awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
