i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We got so high we made milksteak
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
