Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
