even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
