Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
