I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
