a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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