we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
