Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
