so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
