DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
