my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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