I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
