She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
