please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
