There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
