life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
