Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
