whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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