the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
