Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
