I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
