Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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