i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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