get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
