I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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