Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
