I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
