The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
