Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
