Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize