just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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