you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
