I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
