so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Your cock deserves a montage
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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