May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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