The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
