I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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