I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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