i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
