LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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