wrigley field is MILF paradise
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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