i already hear my dad disowning me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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