He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize