I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
