why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
