I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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