we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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