i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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