Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize