yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize