I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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