Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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