i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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