he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
