The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
