New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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