I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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